Feel Like a Failure? Strategies for Self-Compassion and Growth (free PDF!)
Experiencing feelings of failure?
I had someone lament to me the other day. “I feel like such a failure”.
Ah.
That old chestnut.
I deeply hear you and I deeply recognise you.
These words have been uttered from my mouth several times over the past few years.
A few things contribute to this. One is that (like this person) not being in a regular job with regular hours with regular pay is difficult. There are days and weeks when things don’t flow well and there are no people around us to distract our minds, have a moan to or have a laugh with.
Which leaves us very much in our own heads a lot of the time.
We also are heavily influenced by what we see and hear of others achieving, most of which comes from the delights of social media.
As the old saying goes: Comparison is the thief of joy.
Social media comparison may lead to increased feelings of failure.
The Impact of Social Media on our Self Esteem
Whereas once I would have thought of myself as pretty knowledgeable in my area - I am now exposed to 100’s and 1000’s of people who are ‘more’ than me. More knowledgable. More wealthy. More successful. This can make us feel pretty small and insignificant and wonder - ‘what’s the point’ with the little that I do?
Also, due to the delights of social media, we are much more vulnerable to criticism and rejection. Things that people would not say to your face (especially once they know you and have a relationship with you) are easily spouted out on social media. ‘Relationships’ on social media can be built and destroyed in a day. It can be a tough world for a sensitive soul.
When are we enough?
Feeling this way can lead us to two possible paths.
I am not enough and therefore must work harder, learn more, give more, do more in order to be recognised or
I am not enough and therefore what is the point in doing anything.
The first response is likely to lead to burnout.
The second response is likely to end up in depression.
Our Environmental Demands
The environment we live in may not necessarily be conducive to feelings of success and at times there is a lot against us. This may occur in a work environment or a home environment. Too many demands with too few resources. We may be juggling a high-demand stressful job, hours spent in traffic, a demanding home life, caring for elderly parents. Throw in our own high expectations of ourselves that we may be failing to measure up to.
As I recently said to a client:
There is nothing wrong with you. A completely normal human in an abnormal environment produces abnormal results.
Feeling Failure
When I experience the feeling of ‘failure’ (and you might experience this too), the inner critic critter becomes particularly harsh and unforgiving. The critter in my mind likes to find, bring to the surface and closely examine every small and large thing I feel I have failed at.
This ranges from a mistake I made in the past, feeling like a failure as a parent or simply feeling that I’m ‘not enough’.
This critic critter can drown out positive thoughts, making it hard to see anything good about yourself. It may cause you to lose sight of your goals or passions. Everything can start to feel pointless.
“Just because I’m thinking it, doesn’t mean it’s true”
Feeling like a failure can cause you to withdraw from others at a time when you probably most need friends and family around you. It can become a vicious cycle.
The worst thing about feeling like a failure is that it can cause a feeling of paralysis. We don’t want to do anything (take an opportunity or start something new) because we so desperately want to avoid the feeling of failure.
This also robs us of any future feelings of experiencing success.
What to do about feeling like a failure?
Mostly, nobody even notices our failures. No one probably cares actually. Which is both good and bad.
But feeling like a failure is problematic.
Here are a few things that can help when the failure monkey is at the helm.
List five things you have had success with (ie you weren’t ‘a failure’). For me, this might look like:
I can make a damn good loaf of sourdough bread.
I have helped a number of clients.
I have a successful relationship
I have managed to swim through the winter months
I upholstered my couch (and it looks great)
The couch
2. List three things that bring you joy
3. What is one thing you can do today to feel like less of a failure? This might be as simple as making the bed, making a healthy lunch for yourself or donating some item to an op shop.
4. Self-compassion (always). Self-compassion reminds us that we are simply all imperfect humans and that we can speak to ourselves as we would a good friend. Self-compassion also leads to more likelihood of trying again following a failure - so it’s a good thing to practice.
5. Turn off social media, connect with the outside world and turn away from the inside world - just for a while - go for a walk, throw yourself in the ocean, get into nature, work in the garden, get in the kitchen and cook/prepare something yummy.
6. Do something for someone else. We all need a sense of purpose - we need (at times) to feel needed. Doing things for others helps us to fulfil this need.
7. From a Buddhist perspective - one can also simply sit with the feeling of failure. Explore it. What does it feel like? What does it look like? Invite it in. Say Hello. Recognise it for what it is. A feeling, That comes and goes. Sometimes when we sink into something we are desperately fighting against - we realise it’s not so scary after all. Perhaps, sometimes we can get to the point where we can completely embrace a failure - for all it has taught us.
For me, I need to remind myself - I can still offer a lot to many people who don’t have the knowledge I have. This is enough.
Finally - a little success story to share.
I was at a retreat once. We were doing a dance workshop. The instructor (Lizzy) had recently developed her own style of movement with dance.
There were about 30 women in this class. We started on the floor, in a stifling hot room, being guided to move in total connection to the music she played, which built into a crescendo.
We danced for about an hour.
We loved it so much. We loved it so much in fact, that some women started stripping off their clothes and moving in a way that they’d probably never moved before. It was a life-changing and eye-opening experience.
Afterwards, the instructor stated that she had struggled to believe that what she was doing would be any good or accepted by others. She said she had felt that she was a dance failure.
In response to this, the group slowly began chanting “Lizzy is a success!” “Lizzy is a success” over and over.
Together they lifted her in the air in the arms of many, half-naked women.
It was a sight to behold.
I’m sure, in this moment, Lizzy felt heard, seen and understood. And her belief in herself was reaffirmed. She realised she was not a failure.
So, dear reader, if you ever feel, that you are ‘not a success’ and the failure monkey is sitting on your shoulders - I hope that you sense a crowd of people, lifting you above their heads and shouting “(Insert your name here) is a success! (Insert your name here) is a success!
Perhaps, however, with their clothes on.
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Helen is a registered nurse, specialising in mental health from a holistic perspective. She is passionate about supporting people to have optimal mental health and well-being.
Based in New Zealand, Helen is available for speaking, education sessions and one-on-one appointments.
